The Sacred Orders of Geek

Spawned from the union of yesterday’s memes and obsessive technophiles, the mythical empire of Geekdom has been steadily expanding for decades, evolving and diversifying at each turn. Though hailing from different territories of geek, each new variety marches under the same banner. Check out some of the diverse inhabitants of Geektopia and see where you fit in.

Internet Geek

Identifies with either 4chan or Reddit, but never Digg
Takes an unhealthy amount of pride in discovering new content before anyone else
Reads infographics aboug geeks

Das Ubergeek

The one geek to rule them all
Has multiple Linux builds on multiple hard drive partitions
Fluently codes in 5+ languages while listening to recordings of Neil deGrasse Tyson breathing

Apple Fanboy Geek

Uses the word “intuitive” as often as possible
Doesn’t technically know what a megahertz is, but waxes notalgic for all 300 his bright-orange iBook boasted
Though unemployed, can be spotted wandering around the Apple Store helping customers

Chic Geek

Paired oxfords with shorts before seeing it on The Satorialist
Knows the chefs by name at top-rated restaurants
Has never set foot in an Old Navy

Cosplay Geek

Flashes battleaxe / cleavage in every photo
Will have you know that anime is more than “just tentacle porn”
Can be spotted downing Redbulls after pulling an all-nighter putting the finishing touches on a codpiece

Star Wars Geek

Knows that the 12 parsecs of Han Solo’s Kessel Run are a distance, not time, measurement
Owns an old VHS cassette of Return of the Jedi with suspiciously worn out sections of tape due to excessive rewinding and resuming
At war with Trekkie Geeks

Trekkie Geek

Knows over 10 ways to say “honor” in Klingon
Only consumes “hard” science fiction, none of that “soft” drivel
At war with Star Wars Geeks

Pop Culture Geek

Knew about Britney Spears’ divorce before even she did
Has applied to The Real World for five consecutive years
Knows the entire history of the Kardashian dynasty

Sports Geek

Owns a baseball card collection more impressive than any 13 year old boy’s
Though not physically able to play sports, destroys his alpha male counterpoints every fantasy season
Knows what beer pairs best with each professional sports league

Film Geek

Knew who Jim Jarmusch was before Coffee and Cigarettes
Won’t permit the eating of food during screenings
Will tell anyone who’ll listen that “3D is destroying film’s artistry”

Encyclopedia Geek

Spends upwards of two hours every day browsing random Wikipedia articles
Kills conversations daily with phrases like “That reminds me of Ibn Battuta’s 14th century exploration of Galata”
Thinks Jeopardy! is too mainstream

Music Geek

Knows the difference between math rock and mathcore
Scours online auctions for obscure 70’s ambient electronica vinyls
Claims to possess a vial of spit from Donald Fagen’s saxophone

Gamer Geek

Shouts “+1 mana” after every chugged Mountain Dew Code Red
Thinks Final Fantasy VII is the greatest story ever told
Plays DOA: Xtreme Beach Volleyball for the “physics engine”

Gadget Geek

Likes any device that can be described as “modular”
Brings a solar powered shower camping
Subscribes to Popular Mechanics and shops at The Sharper Image

Comic Book Geek

Claims to have once touched a copy of Action Comics No. 1
Knows the entire history and mythology of the Marvel and DC universes
Can accurately predict the outcome of any hypothetical battle between any two superheroes

Craft Geek

Calls televisions “picture boxes”
Can knit from zero to bivouac in 6.8 seconds
Is on a first-name basis with the staff at Jo-Ann Fabrics and Home Depot

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